more to come! must study for finals!

I'm in a very bad mood right now. My mom is upset with me because she thinks I was giving her attitude. She was talking again about all the things I have to be careful about in college, and I said, "I know, you've told me this before" and she got angry. Before that, I was already feeling apprehensive towards her because she had been insulting me about my taste in guys. "Are you blind?" is what she kept asking me. She thinks I don't respect her, and I honestly do, but it's hard to outwardly show respect for her when she doesn't show it to me. I don't know what I'm trying to get across here, but it's the place I thought I could use to vent. Every time I've tried to talk to her, she's just glared at me. Then she'd start talking to me but in the way that it's as if I'm not really there. "You think you can just talk to me however you want, show no respect. I do everything for you, you're only nice to me when you need something." was what she talked about. She was yelling at me in the car, but I was never given the opportunity to respond. BLEH, this sucks. I don't know what to do. This isn't the first time. All I could think about was the power imbalance. I really didn't appreciate her insulting what I found attractive in a guy. i'll update another time. It's extremely difficult to use nvc with a parent.

Helloo!

Life is going pretty well for me. I'm quite excited about spring break; I have a lot of simple plans, like running and visiting the museum of modern art in san francisco and whatnot. I just came back from a jog with a friend, and I'm feeling very refreshed and enthused about life. I do yoga when I wake up, and that always helps start the day off right. =)

To talk about what we're learning in class, I must say it's a heartwrenching ordeal. I was looking at a website earlier that had a lot of good ways to help in the campaign against genocide. I can only hope that we will really take action. It makes me wish this was a required class because I've learned so much from it.

I used NVC the other evening when my friend and I got into an argument. I caught myself constantly saying "I feel as if", and I had taught him about NVC and he also caught himself saying "I feel like". We were actually able to sort things out and it felt fulfilling to do so using NVC. Yay!

Ahh, life is alright. My sleeping pattern has been CRAZY lately. Just recovering from an illness, I've been taking medications that make me drowsy. Let's say a few days ago, I got home at 4:30, went to sleep for 7 hours, woke up to eat dinner and do homework, then went back to sleep at 3 AM. Ironically, I got TEN hours of sleep, when I usually get 5 hours of sleep each night. I don't know if it's good or bad. It's kinda good because it's more sleep, but then bad because it's not my body's usual sleeping pattern. *shrug. the end of the 3rd quarter was rough. The third quarter ITSELF was very rough. that's been my only problem. I've actually lost 4 pounds within the past few weeks, and I haven't even made any significant modifications to my diet besides cutting out a lot of junk food. Good, I presume =)

I hope everyone else is doing well with their goals. It's weird because I sometimes have the mindset that at the end of this, we will find out who everyone is, but really, we're not going to. I guess I'm not used to the idea that these are permanent secret identities! haha, just wanted to throw that out there.

Update =)

I've been having a lot of problems with fulfilling my goals lately. I've had an abominable amount of homework, meaning a lot less sleep. I've found myself constantly grazing and snacking, but not eating a real meal except for dinner. The entire day, I eat only crackers. I've also gained weight recently. Poo. Exercisewise, I'm good. My room has gotten a little messy since I've been so busy with homework, but it's still pretty clean.

On the other hand, despite all of these things, I've met someone who I am very comfortable with, that my need for acceptance is satisfied, and everything is okay; I feel content and happy when with this person. Weird how one person can make everything better, no matter how terrible the situation may seem. This person's presence is a joy that I cherish. A little random, but I felt like I'd be giving an incomplete post if I merely stated the stressful aspects of my life right now.

This may come in handy ...

... when you need a reminder.

soooo, here YOU are: all your power and intention and inner wisdom.

you want to ...
sleep more, smile more, run more, meditate, be alive, eat good food, laugh ...

nurture your wisdom. act from integrity

The Art of Feelings Collage

So, where do I begin? Basically, my collage is supposed to be a river, with stepping stones around it, and the mask in the top right corner represents mindfulness as well as the facade that many people, including myself, mask themselves with.

1. The "river" itself represents impermanence. The outline of the river consists of various phrases, that relate to digging deeper, beyond the surface. For example, some of the stickers say "break the rules", "get the inside scoop", "inspire to be", "live without a plan", "choices". These are all simple phrases or words which I found all relating to our existence and testing our limits. They are the boundary of the river because our answers or reactions to those phrases are what limit our potential. For example, in reply to "Live without a plan", if we "live with a plan", then we are always on one track, and are bound to one lifestyle (which is another big word on my collage).
Besides the words on my collage, I have various images. Most of the images are optimistic and happy, because I've found myself to possess a more optimistic attitude all the time rather than not. Of course, there are a few pictures here and there that represent fright and anxiety, but for the most part, they are all positive images. There's a picture of a girl laughing, another girl holding a sign saying, "I'm beautiful", and a group of friends with their arms around each other.

2. To represent s p a c e, I had a gap between the mask and the river with stepping stones. Although there is space between myself and my experiences, the stepping stones are what connect me to it. The stepping stones all say "ban [insert word]", and the various words are "stereotypes", "racism", "inhibition", etc. I used these as stepping stones because it's things such as stereotypes and racism that disconnect us from situations and limit our perspective. The stepping stones create space between our experiences and ourselves because they are a degree of separation

3. On the mask, it says "What's on your mind?" and there is another word above it: self-esteem. The first is self-explanatory. Asking myself what's on my mind, I am mindful on myself and aware of my existence. The latter (self-esteem) is an issue that I have been trying to deal with because at times, I definitely lack it. The mask itself is in the corner, and overseeing everything else on my collage. It can see its distance from the river, but it can also clearly observe the tranquility and points of turbulence.